Quality over Quantity (A letter to Caidon) 

Dear Caidon, 

I’m sorry. You will be 5 next month and I spent the first 4 years of your life getting it wrong! This is my promise to you & I may not always get it right (I’m not perfect), but I hope one day you will look back on our time as Mother and Son and smile. 

You were given to me on a June 8th, 2012 & you literally took my breath away. As a new mom I failed as most new moms do. I had postpartum depression, and was sad a lot when you were little. I was fixated on the littlest things that I now know don’t matter. I was always guilty for leaving you to go to school, and was constantly stressed when I was with you. It wasn’t easy and my anxiety caused from high expectations of myself took away from enjoying you to the fullest. I did enjoy you as a baby, but not as much as I could have. For that I am sorry. You will be 5 in one month, and I am happy to tell you that I QUIT! I quit letting my “perfection” take away from presence. 

Life is short and I promise to make the quality of our time together greater than the quantity. You see, I spent the first 4 years of your life spending the majority of our time together, but it wasn’t quality! I can spend 16 hours a day with you, but if I’m sad and stressed, you deserve better. So that’s a birthday promise to you from me. 

I promise to focus more on the quality of our time not quantity. I promise to laugh more, and laugh loudly! I promise to put my distractions away and make sure you know I’m listening to your crazy adventures! I promise to not stress about you making good grades, but focus more on you being a good person. I promise to read you stories. I promise to let your dad take me on dates so you can see how to treat your future bride. I promise to be brave so you can be courageous one day. I promise that I will do things I love so I can be a better mom to you. I promise to take you on the greatest adventures you have in mind! Above all, I promise to only look at the past happy I was fully present, and not wish I could back and do it differently. We are going to have one heck of a ride. Buckle up! 

Sincerely, 

Your Imperfect Mother